|Fight the Blues
||[Oct. 15th, 2008|12:29 am]
At this point, I start to think. If were in the 10th grade again, and I saw a highlight reel of myself at this point right now...I would probably either shoot myself because of lack of progression, or I would give myself a pat on the back for taking in life lessons, and using them seriously.
Have I graduated from anything? No.
Have been promoted in any line of work? Nope.
Have I made a REAL move in the direction I want to pursue?
What the hell is my problem?
However, at least NOW, I'm taking a step back to look at things, and it's only been three years since I graduated. It could've been a LOT worse. And, at least now, I have a bit more knowledge that a text book couldn't teach me.
After a short party phase, I realize that alcohol is fun, but I don't need it to HAVE fun; and now I'm part of the small percentage who doesn't drink. :)
I need to just live my life for me. NOT my father, or anyone else that has made plans for me.
I am an Actor (or, a potential RN).
Not an engineer.
Not a doctor
Or...a real estate agent.
Not a closet case (Or a pathetic excuse for one like I was in High School)
Not a Lady's man
Not my father's hope for a blood related grandson. (As awful as that sounds)
Despite my sexuality, I find myself wandering closer and closer to God each day. I'm STILL unsure of what's to become of me after I die, but as a believer, I have NO choice but to face it head-on, and strangely enough, I'm not scared. I have hope, just not enough to fool me. I'm reminded frequently that he loves me anyway, and being this way plays no part in him taking me in. At the same time however, I hear the exact opposite. And, that I'm going straight to hell for my actions.
Right now, I've found myself not knowing what to believe. However, I do know a few things.
With God in mind, I will be the best person I can be. I wont be perfect by any means, and I will constantly need to be grounded, and will always need to take direction from others; but still. Being good will be in my best efforts.
To be blunt:
I want affection.
I like attention.
I need love.
And, if it's coming from someone I have feelings for, I don't think that I can shun it out of my life. If it's wrong, please be patient with me. I still haven't learned to become a robot.
I've gotten a dose of what it is like in the real world...School never seemed so tempting.
Yeah, if I've seen myself in a highlight reel in the 10th grade, I probably wouldn't shoot myself because it's not like I have not moved AT ALL since I graduated, but I am in no position to give myself a pat on the back either. Once I make a big monumental step, (I have NO idea what it will be) then, I will treat myself to ice cream. :)